Why Can't I Be More Angry?

I Facebook-Lurked on a tirade today between two parents, one I know, one I don't know, but both with kids in Special Ed in PPS.

They were pissed (for lack of a better word). Yelling, kicking, screaming pissed. About lack of funding, about PPS seeking a maintenance of effort waiver from the Federal government because they can't meet guidelines, about available funds not being used for education but instead being diverted to lawsuits that fight educational demands.

Yeah, I know it ain't good.

Still, watching their angered interchange actually upset me. I felt...defensive. And no, I do not work for PPS.

Why were they so angry? I am all about expressing feelings, but this level of anger, as justified as it might me, really seems wrong to me. So I pondered and I wondered, all morning long. Why was I disturbed by this?

And then, as I picked Olivia and then Isaac up from their respective special Ed programs, smiled and chatted with teachers and aides, I finally figured it out.

Waste of energy. They were wasting energy, a nuclear amount. If one of my own kids had such a meltdown, it would inevitably end with a monster nap. How could we take this energy and put it towards something that they (and we) can actually use? I have met a few parents during this journey that have ranted in a similar fashion to me, and when I asked a few key questions, I had found out that as much as they love their kids and want the best, ranting is as far as they got in communicating their frustration to PPS. And if their ranting is anything like my husbands ranting at the Blazers during a game, I doubt it is every effective.

I just refuse to get that upset anymore. I did during (what I will start calling) the Roseway Incident, and man was that exhausting. It was not good. I don't think I can do it again so easily.

It's Been A Good Week

Oh, I love weeks like this.

There are weeks when AUTISM has been branded on everything we do, when Olivia cries at every peer encounter she has, when Isaac suddenly goes into orbit and anxiety colors everything hes sees some particularly horrid color of red. On those weeks I wonder when I am going to crack, if I need to put them both on meds and hide myself behind prescriptions and full-time ABA therapy.

Then there are weeks when we almost forget we are on the spectrum, when because of some cosmic balance all is well. No panic attacks. No spiraling. Actually, the whole month of August was like that (we also did not have school, therapy, or any other challenges).

But this week, this week of life as usual, was full of encounters and challenges and therapies, and we handled it very well. We, of course, since I am half of the problem at times (I get anxious myself, frustrated, or cranky sometimes when things go awry).

Olivia had school, and although shy-as-always, managed to go into the classroom with her head up and have a good day with her classmates. She went to a friend's bday party with 4 other kids and while shy and hesitant to join the kids, she slowly emerged from her shell and came to join the festivities. Afterwards, she could not stop talking about going to M's house and playing with her friends.

Isaac had his usual challenges, especially at recess with his CB class. But he started telling me about his day in detail, who did what, who got in trouble, who got extra stars, and what he learned. And just being able to get himself to share with me seems to have helped his anxiety from two weeks ago. He seemed satisfied that all was right. Then, on Wednesday, he attended his first Typical class in two years. Granted, it was music class, but he enjoyed it, it went well, and soon we will add PE and Math with the NT 2nd grade class.

So this week was a balance. We handled our ASD, managed it. Took a bit of control. Beat that bastard down, told him who was Lord of THIS manor.

I even met my own ASD challenge and came out OK. And trust me, that doesn't always happen. I met with our Developmental Ped this time re: Olivia. It is odd to lay it all out on the table. I saw all of Olivia's quirks itemized, and instead of wanted to cry, or even worse, tell stupid jokes to calm myself down (yes, nasty habit), I walked out of the meeting with Dr. G feeling pretty good.

Yeah baby - we got this.

SEPTA meeting coming up: Conflict Happens: What to Do When Things Go Wrong

PPS's Special Education PTA is having a meeting at Beverly Cleary School in NE PDX, Tuesday November 16th from 6:30-8:00PM. As part of the general meeting, they will have a few speakers to help parents manage conflicts with a child's teacher, their school, or district. Diann Drummond will be one of the speakers, and she was one of my personal angels when Isaac was going through a pretty bad patch last year (bad as in Police, EMT's, and an expulsion hearing).

Yep, pretty bad.

I would recommend any parent whose child is in PPS or expects their child to join that party soon to come. This will be my first time as well.

I'm Trying

I have been fussing over my most recent posting for days now. Now, I am never the most eloquent of bloggers to begin with, but when I am truly stressed, I seize up a bit.

Isaac is starting to show real signs of anxiety at his new school. It was to be expected, and I have been looking for signs for the past 3 weeks. I like to live in la-la-land, and had hoped that we could skip this part of the new transition. And to give the kid some credit, the anxiety has been only slightly visible at school. Instead, home has been a mine field. He's been high strung, making silly demands, defiant, and argumentative. It is a departure for him.

So this is what I think it is. At school he has been surrounded by kids with their own behavior issues. Every day, he has to stop and remind himself to NOT push, to NOT get angry, to NOT freakout when someone else in his class is pushing, angry, freaking out. Yesterday he said one of the boys punched him in the stomach. "But it didn't hurt, mom, and I told Mr. K and (the boy) got a time out and no stars for the day". Oh, so proud. But all day at school he has to be on high alert, surrounded by kids who are fighting their own behavior demons. At some point, will Isaac crack? Is it too much to be in a CB class? Have I pushed him over the edge with the addition of Gymnastics, Karate, and Piano? WTF am I doing?

Then there is Olivia, who for no apparent reason (other than it is the fall, and she did this last fall as well), has decided that she does not like other kids near her age (older kids and her brother are OK). She runs behind trees, tries to hide under my shirt/skirt, and has socially shut down. Argh. When this happened last year, we finally had to pull her out of school and take a two month break (while Isaac was being home schooled having been kicked out of Roseway and awaiting a placement decision). Oh, fun times. This time, we are getting therapy and pushing through.

Argh again. Anxiety has been one of the biggest issues we have dealt with in our little ASD bubble. And it is not going to get any easier as the get older, is it?

OGA Halloween Gathering Reminder

OGA Social Skills group is meeting again this weekend, Sunday, same bat time, same bat place. Yes, get your ghouls together at the satanic hour of 9AM to terrorize the suburbs once again. Link to the right.

Gack Yuck

Plague making it's way through the household, and I am the most recent victim. Trying to pull it together before Halloween.

I have had the blues lately. Not depressed - seems to harsh a word. Just blah blah blah. Isaac seems highly strung lately, Olivia is stressed out every time I drop her off for school. I worry that things are going off again (do my kids just hate the month of October?), and am trying to stop it all yet not over react.

So excuse me if I am not keeping things up to date. Still trying to decide my approach. And I am quite the drama-queen about these things - way back, back in the dark reaches of my brain, I am preparing for the worst. What is the worst? Am not sure about that either. And my flu is not helping...

Geeze. Need to perk up a bit.

Rx

First there is the blood work. CBC, Ferritin, then checking for lead levels and heavy metals.
Then, the genetic studies. High Resolution chromosomes, and a Fragile X Probe. And to round up this first course in using Isaac as a Pin Cushion, a Thyroid study, Free T-4 and TSH.

Yep. Why do they bother explaining these things to me in the office? I can never hold the information, and spend the following two hours hunting through Wikipedia.org trying to sort it out.

But what we do have is a New Diagnosis of PDD-NOS (wiki it yourself), with a side label of Communication Disorder. But since the ASD diagnosis was accurate at the time it was given 4 years ago, we are keeping that on the books too.

"Hi, I am Isaac. I have PDD-NOS with a Communication Disorder and a previous diagnosis of ASD."

Hi, I am Isaac's mom, and right now the DSM-IV can bite me.

I'll me mature about it tomorrow. It has been a big week.